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Swinging Low March 6, 2009

Posted by L in Friends, General, Life, Personal.
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A few days ago I was quite mean to a friend.  He said “Have you started yet or is it still a week away!”  It was more of an accusation than a question.
I became irritated.

A couple of days ago, I noticed that I was wearing my fake smile.  A lot.  I noticed that I was starting to disconnect.  Disconnect from the world.  Slipping into recluse mode.

Last night, I watched the final show of True Beauty (or something like that).  I hadn’t watched a full season, just the last few episodes.  I was not attached to any contestant.  Still, when they announced the winner, I became a bit teary eyed.

I noticed that chocolate doesn’t taste so bad right now either.

This morning, I heard a commercial. I don’t remember what the product was, but I did the cry that was a laugh. Or was it the laugh that was really a cry.  A commercial. On the radio.

Ice cream was a staple food this week too.
*sigh* I think I might have “a visitor” soon.

No, I won’t tell my friend he was right.  Because, well, that is just wrong. However, I might send a message to Tam and find out more about her hormone pills. Maybe she can email some to me…


Update on the Crud February 16, 2009

Posted by L in General, Life.
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The doctor’s office has Saturday by Appointment hours.  They had appointments, so when I called, I got in.

My voice was audible, which was nice. It was not my normal voice, but I did not have to write answers nor hope they could read lips.
I was diagnosed with pharyngitis and sinusitis.  We talked about strep.  If I have it, it would be the same medication I was already going to be prescribed.  Therefore, we skipped the test and called it done.

I am feeling slightly better.  Last night I finally got a little better sleep too.  I’m still not all good, but I’m heading towards getting over this yucky stuff.  My throat is still giving an occasional odd pinch and is still not happy.  On the bright side I did not spend a full hour coughing up… stuff this morning.  So, I’d say, so far, it’s a better day health wise.

How is your day going?

Random Ramblings January 19, 2009

Posted by L in Life, Random.
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I’m over they whiny stage and I survived another weekend.  Life is good.

Church service was good.  That’s pretty much a given though.

I’m becoming more and more involved with Twitter.  One of my friends joined Plurk.  Now, what to do?!?  Do  I really need another place to say “MMmm, bacon!” ?!?

My feet were well enough to go walking today.  My legs however, they did not do so well.  I turned my music up to drown out their complaining.  My body hates me. I tell it eventually it will thank me, but I’m pretty sure it said it would make my life miserable first.  Hmm…

Wait, did I just say – on the internet – that my body talks to me?  And I talk back?  Ummm….

Have I mentioned that I was asked if I would be interested in being part of a team for the iCampus?  How cool is that?  I was quite excited.  Last week, we (the “team”) were asked to email some ideas.  I sent off a few.  I have no idea if it is anything even close to what they were looking for, but I am quite interested to hear what changes are going to take place.

I am stalling. Today the plan was is to “do” the kitchen.  That’s right, the kitchen.  As in, empty shelves and get rid of stuff I don’t remember buying.  Toss out cups that haven’t been used by anyone, ever.  Figure out where to put things that are cluttering my counter.  Yup, that is “doing” the kitchen.
If I have time when I’m done, I think I’ll do the list.

Which reminds me, if you really want to know what I’m eating or if I worked out, I opened the other blog to the public as well put a link here.  I know, you’re thrilled, right?  You don’t have to answer that.

Alrighty then, I guess it’s time to turn up my music and go a few rounds with the kitchen.  If you don’t see me for weeks, I’m probably buried under the can goods.

Soon. January 14, 2009

Posted by L in Bloggers, Family, Friends, Life, Personal.
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It is almost time.
It is almost time to take the next step.
It is almost time to open one of the accountability blogs.
It is almost time to make public my triumphs and my failures.
It is almost time to let you know what in the world I am going on about now.

Yesterday I made a commitment.
Yesterday I made a commitment and then began to fret.
Yesterday I made a commitment that just backed up one I made to myself.
Yesterday I made a choice to follow through.
Yesterday I made a click that added more (positive) pressure to my goal.
Yesterday I committed to what was probably just an email mass mailing list.
…but what if it’s not.

A commitment is a commitment.

What am I going on about?
My health.  Some choices I made but have been inconsistent in with and without good reason… to a point.
No more excuses.  This is not a resolution.  This is not a promise.  This is… more.

I’m not real good with keeping with things.  I am a good starter.  I can finish up for others.  I am not good at doing from beginning to end without accountability.  I need accountability in certain areas.

I had set up two other blogs for that.

One for spiritual accountability.  I stop writing in that one when summer rolled around due to lack of morning quiet time at the computer.  I did not start back up once school was back in session.

The other for health.  I have issues.  Ben & Jerry’s.  Chips & Salsa.  A backside that is the shape of my desk chair.  Being almost 3 times the woman I once was.   Ouch. That hurt to confess.  I miss the old me.  The one that had energy to go to the lake or park.  The one who could buy clothes in the single digits.  It’s an area I must be very careful with though.  I need the accountability there.  I have issues that go beyond the “normal willpower/emotional eating”.  I have issues that go beyond being lazy.  But it is time. It is past time. It is way past time.

Soon, the body blog will be opened back up to the public.  It is more for myself.  To keep track of movement.  Share recipes – I often forget what I did “the last time I made this”.  And maybe to post what I ate.  I’m not sure on that one.  I don’t know if I will just keep a notebook or post.  It is the hardest blog I write in.  Because of my vanity.  Because of what I was and what I am now.  Because of who I was and what I’ve physically and materialistically become.

If you are interested in holding me accountable, or wanting to be held accountable, or if you are looking for a place to keep track of these things too but don’t want to join the many website communities out there that do that… let me know.  Maybe you can join me over there… once I open it back up to the public.

The same goes for the other blog too.  If you are wanting to hold me accountable, or looking to be held accountable in either way, let me know.  We can do it through my other blogs or through twitter… or both.




Do you have something that is “soon”?
When does soon start for you?

Pity Party December 11, 2008

Posted by L in Family, Friends, General, Holiday, Life, Personal, Random.
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I think it’s all starting to get to me.  Although, it could just be hormones.
There is no reason for it to get to me. I mean, up until now we’ve been provided for, so why would we not be now?  Maybe I’m tired of living on the edge of… of… of having my children grow up too fast.

I don’t mind living on a beach some place, or in my car, or house skipping for a while when I don’t have little people depending on me.  I’m tired of this kind of uncertainty (No, we are not doing those things now. I mean the uncertainty of if we will have to move out from not paying rent and that sort of thing).  I’m tired of living like this and raising my children like this. I mean, I am grateful for the roof over our heads (even if I don’t sound like it right now) and that our needs are met. I really am.  Still though, I wish for a more complete house.  I wish for more financial stability.  Not necessarily wealth (though that would be nice), but stability.  Security.

I guess I turned into a typical girl who actually wants stability.  Things really change when you have children.  I mean, before my 13 year old was born I had more of a “I’ll land where I fall” attitude.  When things got tough, I just stopped buying food. No big deal.  I could do without.  That goes away when you want to give “better” to your children.

I’ve had money, I’ve been poor, and I’ve been in-between.  Poor is hardest when you’re not alone.

It’s also getting to me that I wasn’t worried about Christmas.  I had put a little away every month and hid some away from the tax return – not much because we had to live off it after Hub’s stroke – for Christmas.  Now, it’s all used up.  What was put away every month was used to get Hubby to work.  Then what was hid away was used for insurance and fuel (so I could drive the children to school) and a few needed items (house hold and hygiene needs along with a few very cheep staple groceries).

I’m broke. There is no more.  And although God has pulled through in some unbelievable ways – checks in the mail as things come due, edible food from unexpected sources, and coats being mailed to us for the children from a friend as a Christmas gift for example- I’m still breaking here.  The cracks are starting to leak.

The job that I took Hubby to hasn’t provided the first check yet.  It is also slow there, so when we do get a check I don’t expect it to be much.  Did I mention it’s also a former employer that he owes money to?

I could go off on choices he’s made, but I’ll just regret it later.  I chose to say yes, now I deal with the lessons he still has to learn.  Maybe I am missing my own lesson here?

The water bill was due yesterday.  We still have the all utilities for this month due plus insurance again at the end of the month.  I ran out of popcorn – which was my lunch for days.  I am getting tired of egg sandwiches. The weekend is just around the corner so I’ll need to figure out breakfast and lunch for the children for those days.  Probably potatoes for lunch and oatmeal for breakfast.  Can you say starch?  Carb?  Why are these foods so cheap?  Why aren’t fresh fruits and veggies as cheap as noodles?

I’m whining now, aren’t I?  Maybe I just need a big tub of ice cream and an unexpected tax-free huge lump sum of money.  Yeah, me and probably a billion other people too, right?


**** **** **** ****

Just after typing the above entry, I called the pharmacist.  Son has one dose left of his medicine. I needed to find out what, if anything, would happen if he suddenly stopped taking it (some medications you have to be weaned off and I was not sure if that one would fall into that category or not.)  He asked if Son was having a problem with medication.  I explained, frankly, that I did not have the co-pay for the state funded insurance that covers the medication. (Which I might add, is a story in of it’s self.) The pharmacist said to come get the medication. He literally (I saw him) paid for the medication out of his own pocket.
In another words, even in the midst of my whining, my God is STILL taking care of our needs.  Amazing.

Exposing My Secret November 18, 2008

Posted by L in Family, General, Life, Personal, Random.
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Do you have a secret?
Do you keep something from you spouse?
Do you think it is wrong or is “this secret” the exception?
Do you rightly or wrongly justify having a secret?

I have a secret.
It’s a secret that I keep mainly from my spouse.
I don’t know that I think this is secret is wrong, but I regret having the need to keep it secret.
I don’t think I’m wrong to justify keeping this secret, but I admit I am a bit bias.

So, what is the big secret you ask?  If I answer that on the internet, would it still be a secret?

Well, first let me say that the secret is not something big and bad like I have eight secret husbands on the side.  It is not something way cool like season tickets to (fill in the team).  It is probably not even a bit deal to most, but it is my secret.  It’s not like it’s a complete secret. I mean, we’ve talked about it.  He just doesn’t know that I actually did it.  See?

Austin, I can hear you saying “Just get to it already, Woman!”

A few months back I … I joined a gym.  Yes, that is the big secret.  I had been sneaking off to they gym, working out after dropping the children off at school.  Then my friend hurt her back and I helped her out.  During that week, Hub quit his job and has been home ever since.  Do you know how hard it is to sneak out and get sweaty?  I mean, seriously, do you have any idea how difficult it is when your man isn’t working to get out on a regular basis when you have no job too?

Why not just tell him?  Why is it a big secret?  Good questions.
He has this ability to sabotage things, to do exactly what I don’t want, and is very much not a private person.  I know, I have a blog, but I am still a private person.  Let me give you examples.
Our first Christmas as a married couple, he asks what I want for Christmas.  I say “Anything except clothes.  I do not like for other people to buy clothes for me.”  Guess what I got.  Yup, clothes.
Recently (when I joined the gym), I told him I would like to improve my eating habits.  Just me, personally.  I told him if he wanted chips, get some for himself but none for me.  Soon after, he brought home chips and ice cream for me.
I don’t know if it’s a male thing that just clings to the noun words “She said clothes.”  “She said chips.”  Or if it is his passive aggressive side screaming “HA!  Take THAT!”.

Add that to the way he twits things.  Add that to the way he talks about me to his family.  Add to those things the pressure of others knowing that big old me is working out.  Then add to that the judgment of spending money on the club membership when we have NO income.

I just don’t want to tell him. I don’t.

Before you go off on “If you have no money, why did you get a gym membership?”, let me explain. (Yes, I know I don’t have to explain, but I am going to anyhow)  It’s a God thing.  Yes I’m serious.
It’s kind of a long story.  The summary version is this: I told him what I believe God wanted me to do.  We agreed if God provided the money, if we got an unexpected check in the mail for a year membership, then I would do it.  Guess what happened.  Go on, guess.  God provided. That’s what.  One year’s worth of family membership money unexpectedly came in a check in the mail.  Praise God!
So, we talked about it, he just doesn’t know that I actually spent the money as I was suppose to spend it.

Ok, so. Now, I cannot stand it.  I have to get back to working out.  I wasn’t blessed and lead there just so I could stay home.  But, coming up with a reason that I vanish every morning for a couple hours is hard.

My plan?  I am hoping to sit down tonight and talk with the husband.  I plan on finding out if he is planning on going back over the road or staying local. I plan on finding out where he thinks he is being lead, or if he has even spend any serious time in prayer about what to do.  Then, if it seems like he’s going to be sticking around… I might have to… I don’t want to, but I might have to… expose my secret.

It’s not the immediate response that concerns me.  It is the ripples afterward.

Ramblings October 22, 2008

Posted by L in Family, Friends, General, Life, Personal, Random.
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I was going to post tonight.  Instead of something coherent, you’ll have to deal with this instead.
I didn’t really know what I was going to write about, I just knew it had been a day or two since I have blogged.

I have been having crazy allergy problems.  Which of course means I’m popping the benny (anti-histamine).  Most of the time, benny knocks me out.   I took one tonight.  Add that to the lovely sounds of rain and the later hour… I am so not with it right now.  Someone should come take the keyboard away from me!

Youth was great.  I think I got some good shots.  Have I mentioned that I usually take photographs of the events?  Anyhow, it was fun.

Tomorrow our water will be shut off if I forget to pay the bill in the morning.  The sad part?  I’ve had the money in my purse since before the due date, let alone the shut off date.  I won’t even mention that I pass the water department several times a week.  Nope, not mentioning it.
In my defense, I did try to pay it.  They were closed though.  So, I did not completely flake out.

Hubby gave his notice with no other job lined up.  He is considering going back to his pre-stroke career.  Yes, I know it’s only been a couple of months.  I am also aware of how severe it was.  Stroke, not TIA.
However, I also know that he has already basically gone back to the lifestyle he was living before the stroke only without smoking.  He has quit that, Praise the Lord.  So, he has not completely gone back, but in many ways he has.

I’m not sure what I’m doing. I want a job, but I don’t see how it’s feasible.  That week I spent helping out a friend was a reminder of one of the reasons I left one of my last employers.

I’m rambling again, aren’t I?

I guess I’ll wrap this up since I need to help Hubby with something.  Then I’m off to sleep.  Well, actually, I might already be asleep.  Maybe I should say “off to bed”….. hmmmm….. sleep-blogging.  I’ll have to decide if that is a new word for me or not.

Good night.

Quick Update October 1, 2008

Posted by L in Family, Friends, General, Life, Random.
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Real quick update since I did in fact go MIA.

I’m doing alright now.  Got into a bit of a funk last week and didn’t read as much as I started out reading.  I didn’t even read blogs for a few days.  You know, some people blog a lot, others not so much.  You can really tell after a few days. lol

I was talking to a friend on the phone today.  We hung up and I went in the house (where I do not get good reception on my cell).  She called back as I was letting the dog out.  I answered and said “Hello, hold on” to her then “Hold on, Dog”  to the dog.  Then after I go him on his leash, I said “Okay, go” to the dog but my friend starting talking.   Now I am worried she thinks I was calling her a dog… maybe she thought I meant “dawg”?  Either way, I’d have called her back to explain, but her ride showed up.
So, maybe she’ll read this and know that  was NOT calling her a dog.

My feet hurt. I walked.  I hope to get my other blog updated and running in the next few days so I can complain keep track there.  But, since it is not ready yet and I’m doing a quick update here, you get to hear about it.   MY FEET HURT.   You’d think it would be my legs.  No.  No, it’s my feet.  I think I need to get some gel inserts or something.  Then I can come home and say “I walked and I’m gellin’. ‘

Yeah, I know.  That was bad.

Daughter had a medical issue come up.  Spoke with a friend about it.  Thank you, M, for dealing with the Momma-Drama via the phone.

Let’s see…… I guess that’s all I’m rehashing for now because I am hun-gry!

Words of Wisdom September 20, 2008

Posted by L in Disgusting, General, Life, Random, Wisdom.
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If you are lactose intolerant, do not, I repeat NOT, eat Ben & Jerry’s and then go to the movie theater about a hour or two afterwards.  Just sayin’

This One is For You September 2, 2008

Posted by L in Friends, General, Humor, Life, Random, Videos.
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A friend of mine is traveling this week.
She is traveling to a place where I have friends.
She is going to a town that is a part of my history.
A friend is going to fly from her current home to my former home.

I am staying here.

Oh sure, I could have gone to the event that she is going to too.  However, my life circumstances (and vanity) do not allow such things.

So here I sit, as the rain moves into my area of residence.
Heavy rains, so they say, will last throughout this week here.
Nice days, friends and fun are what she has to look forward to.

Normally I enjoy the rain… as long as I don’t have to drive in it.
And as long as it’s not too severe (because then my youngest freaks out).

The rivers and lakes are still high though.
That, I suppose, is cause for concern.

So here I sit.
On a deliciously gloomy day.
Unable to enjoy it because I sit here dealing with daily life and a recently discovered medical issue.
In one week I will have either resolved it myself, or I shall start acquiring my  stack of medical bills.
In one week she will be back full of tales that will make me sorry I missed it OR glad I was not there.

So, to cheer myself up a bit I shall eat ice cream (the comfort food of choice) and watch a movie.
But first, I will play this little video for my dear friend.
My friend who is traveling this week.
My friend who hates flying.

Remember, M, to relax on that flight.
*smiles sweetly*