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Exposing My Secret November 18, 2008

Posted by L in Family, General, Life, Personal, Random.
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Do you have a secret?
Do you keep something from you spouse?
Do you think it is wrong or is “this secret” the exception?
Do you rightly or wrongly justify having a secret?

I have a secret.
It’s a secret that I keep mainly from my spouse.
I don’t know that I think this is secret is wrong, but I regret having the need to keep it secret.
I don’t think I’m wrong to justify keeping this secret, but I admit I am a bit bias.

So, what is the big secret you ask?  If I answer that on the internet, would it still be a secret?

Well, first let me say that the secret is not something big and bad like I have eight secret husbands on the side.  It is not something way cool like season tickets to (fill in the team).  It is probably not even a bit deal to most, but it is my secret.  It’s not like it’s a complete secret. I mean, we’ve talked about it.  He just doesn’t know that I actually did it.  See?

Austin, I can hear you saying “Just get to it already, Woman!”

A few months back I … I joined a gym.  Yes, that is the big secret.  I had been sneaking off to they gym, working out after dropping the children off at school.  Then my friend hurt her back and I helped her out.  During that week, Hub quit his job and has been home ever since.  Do you know how hard it is to sneak out and get sweaty?  I mean, seriously, do you have any idea how difficult it is when your man isn’t working to get out on a regular basis when you have no job too?

Why not just tell him?  Why is it a big secret?  Good questions.
He has this ability to sabotage things, to do exactly what I don’t want, and is very much not a private person.  I know, I have a blog, but I am still a private person.  Let me give you examples.
Our first Christmas as a married couple, he asks what I want for Christmas.  I say “Anything except clothes.  I do not like for other people to buy clothes for me.”  Guess what I got.  Yup, clothes.
Recently (when I joined the gym), I told him I would like to improve my eating habits.  Just me, personally.  I told him if he wanted chips, get some for himself but none for me.  Soon after, he brought home chips and ice cream for me.
I don’t know if it’s a male thing that just clings to the noun words “She said clothes.”  “She said chips.”  Or if it is his passive aggressive side screaming “HA!  Take THAT!”.

Add that to the way he twits things.  Add that to the way he talks about me to his family.  Add to those things the pressure of others knowing that big old me is working out.  Then add to that the judgment of spending money on the club membership when we have NO income.

I just don’t want to tell him. I don’t.

Before you go off on “If you have no money, why did you get a gym membership?”, let me explain. (Yes, I know I don’t have to explain, but I am going to anyhow)  It’s a God thing.  Yes I’m serious.
It’s kind of a long story.  The summary version is this: I told him what I believe God wanted me to do.  We agreed if God provided the money, if we got an unexpected check in the mail for a year membership, then I would do it.  Guess what happened.  Go on, guess.  God provided. That’s what.  One year’s worth of family membership money unexpectedly came in a check in the mail.  Praise God!
So, we talked about it, he just doesn’t know that I actually spent the money as I was suppose to spend it.

Ok, so. Now, I cannot stand it.  I have to get back to working out.  I wasn’t blessed and lead there just so I could stay home.  But, coming up with a reason that I vanish every morning for a couple hours is hard.

My plan?  I am hoping to sit down tonight and talk with the husband.  I plan on finding out if he is planning on going back over the road or staying local. I plan on finding out where he thinks he is being lead, or if he has even spend any serious time in prayer about what to do.  Then, if it seems like he’s going to be sticking around… I might have to… I don’t want to, but I might have to… expose my secret.

It’s not the immediate response that concerns me.  It is the ripples afterward.

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Comments»

1. Austin - November 19, 2008

I wasn’t thinking just get to it woman. I hung on your every word Miss Thang. LOL

Also, I am too a very private person despite how detailed I am about my life on the net I am not that open in my 3D life. I do not share my space so easily other than on my blog. There are far fewer chances for rejection when I blog than if I were that open in my 3D life.

I understand your reasons for keeping this a secret. I understand the concerns about him talking about it and the whole “big girl’s working out” thing. I so get that. Sabotage is something my ex use to excel in. When I said I wanted to quit smoking she bought me a carton of cigarettes. If she thinks I want something she’ll do the exact opposite then fall apart as she tells me she’s failed me again and why can’t she just make me happy. I don’t know if your husband does that but I do know how it feels to have someone go directly against what you wish. It made me feel like I needed to play games to get her to do what I need her to do. I hated that.

Austin

2. bluesuit12 - November 19, 2008

You know, I can understand how you would want to keep this a secret as well. I imagine it’s frustrating and a knock to the system when someone does the exact opposite of what you’re wanting, asking, or needing no matter the reason. Whatever the outcome, whether you tell him or not, don’t stop going. You need this for you and that’s important.

3. L - November 22, 2008

Thank you for your support.

I ended up “telling him” Friday morning. He was with me and wanted to go with me to “walk”. (I say I walk, I just don’t mention the walking is on a treadmill.) So, I just went to the gym.
6 hours later he was telling me, in front of daughter, that he told his friend. I cut him off so I don’t think daughter caught on to what he was saying.
Anyhow, yeah….

Thank you both, again, for your support.

Now I must go figure out why I keep holding out hope that these non-secret-keeping people will control their tongue “this time”.


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