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Closing the “Past” Door – 20080919 September 20, 2008

Posted by L in Family, Personal.
Tags: , , , , , ,

I have had blogs in the past that were even more personal than this one.  I had a blog I used to explore mainly the past, but also the present as “issues” arose.  That one was probably as deeply personal as it gets.
For the most part, although I do get personal here, my past and major drama I tend to leave out.  I felt the other site was “compromised”.  I was no longer comfortable exploring the inner crud in my brain.  It no longer felt “safe” to use that particular site as my own personal form of therapy.  So, I shut it down.

When I started this blog, I chose to keep it private – as in not to share it with “3D people”.  I chose to be myself, air my dirty laundry, and express my thoughts and moods as they arise – no matter which side of me it was at the moment.  Despite all this candidness and anonymity, I still held/hold back.  I remain personal in my posting, but I also try to remain present.  I think my posts are pretty typical – unless of course I’ve had to much sugar, it is very late, or it is very early.

However tonight, tonight I shall share a bit of my past as I try to close a door that was opened a few hours ago.  I am not sharing to explore, relive, or even to confront the things brought up.  I am sharing simply because it was a part of my night… and perhaps to, in a sense, purge the images from my mind.

The following may not make sense to you.  It may or may not be very detailed.  This is more to expunge it from my brain than to share with others.  For I do not wish these memories or what accompanies them on anyone.

I went to dinner with my mother.  Alone.  As in, with no children and no spouse.  We had adult conversation and touched on some subjects I probably would not have been comfortable with in front of my children.  Though they know I have a past that is not pretty, they do not know the sorted details.  They have not asked and I have not told.
Anyhow, the night progressed on.  We went back to her place and visited for a bit.  Soon after her sister showed up.  This is the Auntie I had done a series on in an earlier blog (no, not the deeply personal one).  She is nuts but a lot of fun.  We all got on the subject of an old neighborhood.  We spoke of things that happened there, to which of course Mother was in denial about telling us both we did not know what were talking about – then agreeing with other things.  Anyhow, we spoke of some experiences.  Spiritual things were brought up, both good and bad – from the days of that neighborhood and beyond.  Auntie and I remember stuff as Mother just looked on giving us the look.  Perhaps you know the look.  The “What are you talking about?  I don’t remember that.  That didn’t happen.” look.  We used a popular map site to look up the old neighborhood.  The site had a picture option.  It is sort of like a bird’s eye view.  We looked around.  I appeared clam on the outside, I think.  Inside, I was freaking.  I still have “dreams” that revolve around this place.  Not the house, but the whole neighborhood.  If I dreamt of the house, I’d probably block it before waking.  I remember the address.  I remember the lay out.  I remember too much and not enough.  And as I sit here typing this out, tired with heavy eyes, my mind plays images long since buried and remembered emotions are trying to surface.

I probably sound like I need serious psychoanalytical help here and may be scaring a few of you off.  I am truly sorry for that.  However, this is my blog.  And as it is the middle of the night and I am the only adult awake that I know, my blog gets my mental regurgitation.  I would rather get it out here, processed, now, than have a night of fitful exhausting sleep where the stuff is processed within the subconscious dream world – as if that made any sense.

It did not help that I drove home, in the dark, with empty streets, down small town roads.  That’s just creepy in of itself!

Anyhow, I think I am doing better now.  You, however, probably need to take some Tylenol if you have made it to the end of this post.

I’m going to go read a nice book (if I can get my tired eyes to focus) and then go to sleep.

Sweet dreams…. I hope.




1. Austin - September 21, 2008

I do know the look and that look alone can trigger a whole world of issues.

The entry made sense to me especially about the need to purge it on paper/blog so it doesn’t come back and bite you in your sleep. One of the reasons I blog so late at night is to get stuff off my chest so I don’t take it to bed with me. It works sometimes. I hope it helped you.


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